


Angsty Reddie Ficlets

by Careful_Ren



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Ficlet, Ficlet Collection, IT Chapter Two Spoilers, M/M, Mind Control, Movie: IT Chapter Two (2019), Suicide, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-11-29
Packaged: 2020-11-23 20:57:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20896010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Careful_Ren/pseuds/Careful_Ren
Summary: I found out that I really like writing sad Reddie ficlets, so I figured I might as well collect them all here on AO3. Most of it is about Eddie's death, because it's quite painful. So happy reading!





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie attends Eddie's funeral.

‘’We can’t leave him down here- Guys come on- We can still save him!!’’ Richie cried, desperation in his voice. Ben gave his shoulder another tug, and Richie only pressed closer to Eddie. ‘’We’ll take him with us, or you leave me here!’’

And so they did. With the combined strength of Richie and Mike, they carried him out of the quarry and watched as the Neibolt house crumbled into nothing. Eddie’s empty eyes stared up at the sun.

A month later, the funeral came. It was a rainy day, and the graveyard was muddy and fucking disgusting, Eddie would’ve hated it. 

A quiet murmur had fallen over the group, but Richie was quiet. All he could do was stare down at the coffin covered in flowers that Eddie was definitely allergic to and pictures of him he would’ve hated. In his hand, Richie held his inhaler, but it felt like led, weighing him down. He’d cried too much, his tears had tried up, all he could really do was stare as the coffin was lowered into the ground- Until a very large woman suddenly stepped in front of him and jabbed a hard, accusatory finger into his chest. 

‘’You-’’ The voice was familiar in a way, not like he’d heard it before, but something very much like it. He looked up and was met eye-to-eye with Myra Kaspbrak. The woman who had gotten the years Richie had wanted, with the man he loved. 

‘’You’re the reason this happened! You’re the reason my Eddie bear is dead!’’ She snarled like a frothing, rabies infected hound. ‘’This is all your fault!’’

Richie only stared at the woman in front of him. The lump in his throat that had made his breathing so fucking hard suddenly enlarged to the point where he almost wanted to use the inhaler on himself. But he remained quiet, even as the finger jabbed again.

‘’You disgust me! You killed my Eddie, you-’’

‘’You don’t think I know that?!’’ Everyone fell into a heavy silence. Even the priest turned to look at Richie in shock. 

‘’You don’t think I’ve spent every fucking day, blaming myself for this?! I- I could’ve saved him! I should’ve saved him!’’ Bev moved in and carefully placed a hand on Richie’s shoulder, but it was shrugged off. 

Weeks and weeks of guilt, trauma and grief had built up into a dam, and that dam just burst. 

‘’Eddie was my fucking best friend! I loved him!’’ His heart was beating faster and faster to the point where he feared it would burst out of his chest. 

‘’I loved him, and this was all my fault!’’ Everyone was quiet now, not even Myra looked angry anymore, just.. Shocked. 

Richie stepped forward to the casket, and placed the inhaler in the mix of allergy inducing flowers. ‘’I’m sorry.’’

He turned and before anyone had the chance to stop him, he was gone. 

A week later, all Losers collectively got another letter. It was short, and vague, but it got the point across.

I’m with him now.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What if the Losers weren't able to get Richie out in time?

‘’He’s dead!’’ Ben shouted, but it went to deaf ears. Richie refused to leave, refused to listen.

‘’No! No he’s alive! He’s alive and we can still help him!’’ He was choking on his own tears, as his fingers dug into Eddie’s bloodied jacket. 

‘’Richie, please, we- we can’t help him-’’ Bev called, but again Richie only pressed closer to the body in his arms. 

'’We- we can’t leave him here! He can’t be alone!’’ 

A boulder crashed from the ceiling, just inches away from the group but Richie remained, and only curled his body around Eddie, like he could protect him from everything. 

‘’Richie--’’ 

‘’W-W-W-We have to leave him,’’ Bill stuttered, and with a tight grip on Ben’s arm he tugged him. ‘’I-I-If we don’t leave we’re all going to die.’’ 

Ben looked back towards Richie a final time, and for a final time Richie pulled back to look at him. Usually he would make a joke, a jab, to try and make things at least seem like they were okay. But now, all he could do was smile. 

‘’It’s- It’s okay.’’ Richie said. ‘’He won’t be alone.’’ 

Ben’s tight grip on Richie’s shoulder loosened and released, and they escaped as the caves crumbled around them.

Richie placed his lips against Eddie’s forehead. He was still warm, but the life was draining from him quickly. But it’s okay. They’ll be together soon.

‘’I love you, Eds..’’ Richie whispered, as rocks rained around him. ‘’I always have.’’

Everything became black then, and for a moment Richie thought that this was it. This is where he would spend his eternity.

‘’You know I always hated that nickname..’’


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pennywise didn't leave quite as soon as they would've hoped.

Seeing Richie in the air, slack like a puppet without strings was painful, it was terrifying. Eddie looked down at the spear in his hand, and tightened his hand around the cold metal. 

‘’This kills monsters if you believe it does.’’ He repeated to himself. You’re braver than you think. He’d already nearly let Richie die, he couldn’t do it again. 

And so he threw the spear, and it lodged itself deep in It’s throat. It stumbled back, and Richie tumbled back to the ground below. 

‘’Hey man!’’ Eddie said, over eager and happy as he leaned over Richie’s body. He was still breathing, and his head rolled. 

‘’Hey- I think I killed it, I think it’s d--’’

Richie’s eyes opened, but Eddie wasn’t met with a pair of familiar brown eyes, or a terrible jab at his mother. When Richie looked at him, all he saw was white, empty eyes, and a wicked grin that was just a bit too wide to be normal.  
‘’Richi--’’

A strong fist suddenly connected with Eddie’s jaw, and he stumbled back in surprise as Richie shot to his feet. That smile was wider, and those pale white eyes seemed to almost glow in the oppressive darkness of the cave. 

This wasn’t Richie. Or at least, he wasn’t in control. 

The next punch he threw was harder, and Eddie fell to the ground, and all he could do was turn his glazed over, tear filled eyes up at Richie as he towered over him. 

‘’Please- Please this isn’t you, Rich-’’

With a roar that echoed throughout the caves, Not-Richie threw another punch down, straight over Eddie’s face, and he could hear the sickening crunch of his nose as it broke.

‘’R-Richie..’’ 

‘’He loves you,’’ Richie said. No, not Richie. It spoke using his voice. Using his lips. ‘’Richie is a faggot, and he loves you. He always has.. Such a shame he will never know you love him back..’’ 

The sound of pure rock connecting with bone was sickening. A wet, crunching sound as it broke through Eddie’s skull. And then Richie blinked, and there they were. Those brown, soft eyes that had always betrayed Richie’s emotions. They were always so big, so sad, and so sweet. 

And now they were looking at his bloody hands. At the rock in his hand, then at Eddie. At Eddie who smiled up at him, and who reached up to press a bloody hand against his cheek.

‘’Eddie- Eddie I’m- I didn’t- I’m- Eddie!’’ Richie cried, the rock fell from his hand. ''Eddie--''

‘’It’s okay..’’ His words came out gurgled, and weak. ‘’Richie, I….’’


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie sings a song

“I didn’t know you could play guitar!” Eddie exclaimed as Richie strummed the strings. They were sitting at the edge of the quarry. The setting sun bathed them both in a soft, orange light.

“I’m not the best at it,” He admitted, and settled it in his lap. “But I’ve been practicing!” Eddie settled against Richie then, with his arms crossed over his chest.

’‘Fine, show me.“ And he did. With an amused little smile on his lips, Richie sang.

_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine_

’'Sit still!” Eddie snapped, and took a firm grip around Richie’s arm to stop him from jerking away again. “This won’t go any faster if you keep moving.” He rolled his eyes, but gave up and decided to just sit still. He hissed between his clenched teeth when Eddie dabbed it against one of the cuts running along his cheekbone. 

“You realize it was fucking stupid to go up against Bowers, right?” He added in his annoying, cute little voice, and Richie nudged him in the stomach with his elbow. 

“Yeah, I think I understood that after the fifth time you told me that,” Richie snapped back, only to squeak when Eddie continued to dab that fucking wound. 

“Will you just keep your mouth shut? Sing or something,” Eddie said, and at Richie’s amused look he only rolled his eyes. “I’ve heard that you can! Just do it, dickhead.’' 

’'Hmph. Alright.”

_You make me happy, when skies are grey._

“Eddie?? What the fuck happened?” Richie didn’t get a response, as Eddie just pushed past him. It was evident he’d been crying, with how puffed up and red his cheeks and eyes were. Richie blinked in confusion and turned on his heel, stalking into his house after Eddie. He found him on his bed, with his face buried in his pillow. 

“Fucking stupid piece of shit-” His muffled voice came out, and Richie swallowed down the lump that had suddenly formed in the back of his throat, and sat down on the mattress. He hesitated for a moment, before placing a gentle hand on Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie glanced over with eyes filled with tears, and sniffled. 

“Sing for me, Richie,” He said in a raw, broken voice. 

“Wh-”

“I- I need the distraction. Please.” Eddie shifted then, and laid his head in Richie’s lap, and before he could even hesitate Eddie had tugged Richie’s hand down and buried it in his hair. Richie remained silent for a few moments, but eventually he took a deep breath and did as he was told. 

_You’ll never know dear, how much I love you._

‘’Sing for me, Richie.’’ Eddie’s voice was growing weak, as his body was quickly growing cold beneath his hands. The grip Eddie had around Richie’s hand was growing weaker by the second, but those eyes were still so full with life. 

‘’Eddie, I-’’ Richie fell silent when the pathetic cries of that clown echoed throughout the cavern, and Eddie smiled again. 

‘’Sing for me, Richie,’’ His voice was muffled by the blood that spilled from his lips. ‘’That song you always used to sing.. Always made me feel better..’’

Singing with tears running down his cheeks proved to be hard, but do-able. And as he held Eddie’s body, singing to him, he could feel him growing heavier. Colder. 

_Please don’t take my sunshine away._


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie holds a speech

Smiles and cheers, alcohol and celebrating. We defeated that fucking clown! We can all return to our lives! They said between drinks and laughter, it was reminiscent of their meeting in that restaurant, before everything went to shit. But it wasn’t all the same, was it? Instead of one seat left empty, there were two, but nobody seemed to give a shit about that. Everyone was too busy laughing, grinning, kissing. Since Ben and Bev had finally found each other after so many years, they could finally share the love they never had. Good for them.

Richie was the only one not celebrating, but he was the one drinking the most, so that has to count for something, right? He was already in on his fourth too strong drink, when someone even seemed to take notice of him. Bill turned to him with a smile that all too quickly faded when he saw Richie staring down into his drink, eyes red, swollen and puffy. His hand clenched around the glass that looked on the verge of just shattering under the pressure. 

‘’H-Hey buddy,’’ Bill said in that annoyingly soft voice he had, and Richie didn’t say anything, not even when he felt the weight of a gentle hand on his shoulder. He didn’t say anything until Bill spoke up again, concern and pity in his voice. ‘’How a-are you holding up?’’

And Richie broke his own silence by laughing. And it was this bitter, empty laugh that finally seemed to shut everyone up. Beverly and Ben found their ways out of each other’s eyes for long enough to look at Richie, Mike and Bill glanced at each other for a few moments worryingly, before they looked back at him. ‘’R-Rich..?’’  
‘’You asked how I’m holding up.’’ He muttered rather matter-of-factly. ‘’I’ll tell you how I’m holding up. I’ll tell all of you,’’ He threw back the rest of the drink, and winced at the bitter flavour of alcohol, and the burning sensation as it slid down his throat. ‘’I came here less than a week ago, and found out my best friend had taken his own life.. I knew Stan since I was five years old, and.. Suddenly he was dead! But I didn’t even have time to grieve him, because we all had to go and dig deep into our childhood traumas!’’ Richie took a deep, shuddering breath and pinched the bridge of his nose. More tears ran down his face, and landed on the surface of the table, but Richie kept on going. 

‘’Then- Oh then I had to watch Eddie, the man I--’’ The words formed a lump in the pit of his throat, choking him. Richie gritted his teeth hard enough to surely shatter them, and sucked in a sharp breath. ‘’The man I love more than life itself die in my arms. He died because I was dumb enough to tell him to come down with me in the first place! Because I was dumb enough to get caught in those fucking deadlights!’’ Beverly was the one to place a hand on his shoulder this time, but Richie shrugged it off. ‘’No- Don’t- Don’t fucking pretend you all feel sorry for me! You- You all celebrate and smile and laugh, and- Everything’s alright for you!’’  
Richie stood from the table all too quickly. The entire bar had fallen silent at this point, and if he’d been a little more sober he would’ve known that this is the time to shut the fuck up. But he was drunk, upset, hurt, angry.. Nothing mattered anymore. 

‘’You-’’ He pointed an accusatory finger at Beverly and Ben. ‘’You two have each other. Don’t- Don’t think I didn’t see you kissing and being all happy in the quarry.. And you, Mike. You have the entire world to see! Get the fuck out of this hell hole for once.. And Bill, you have your wife to go back home to, and enjoy your life again..’’ Richie drew a hand through his hair, and there was the laugh again, behind the tears that now ran freely down his cheeks. 

‘’And me? I lost somebody who was never even mine..’’ And that really felt like a punch in the gut, and Richie had to take a moment to swallow down the stomach acid crawling up his throat. ‘’I never got to tell him how much I love him, and I never fucking will! But fuck all of that, right? Because we defeated that fucking clown. Let’s just go straight to celebrating!’’ Richie picked up his now empty glass from the table, and rose it high up in the air. ‘’So let’s have a toast for that clown! For Bev and Ben! Let’s just forget those we just abandoned on the way!’’ 

The bar fell silent again. A suffocating, empty silence that Richie broke once again by slamming his glass right back on the table. ‘’I’m so glad you’re all happy and proud of yourselves. But I never will be.’’ And with that, Richie turned his back, and left the bar without another word.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie takes his medecine

Have you ever been punched in the stomach, and had all of your air knocked out of your lungs? Do you know that empty, hollow feeling that fill you then, before you can fill your lungs again?   
Richie had yet to find a way to fill his lungs again. Every breath felt like acid, and the void in his chest only grew and grew as the days passed by. What was the point to keep on breathing, then? What was the point of eating, and drinking, or doing anything?   
People would say to look at the bright side, that he wouldn’t want you to just give up, but those were just words. How could they know what he wanted, or not? They can’t know shit, because he’s dead. He’s dead, and he’s never returning. And Richie would tell them this, if he had the energy to speak.  
They tried to make him eat and drink, and he found that even working his jaws took too much energy out of him, yet he couldn’t sleep, because everytime he closed his eyes those images returned to him. The feeling of warm blood still felt fresh against his face, his last words still bounced in his mind, like a never ending echo.   
He wanted to cry, but he couldn’t bring himself to. What was the fucking meaning? What was the meaning of everything?  
And they say they care. Bev, Bill, Ben, Mike.. They all pretend to care. But Richie would catch Beverly and Ben glancing at each other, stealing kisses and holding hands, and it would make him sick to his stomach.  
He would catch Bill smile, as he talked to his wife on the phone, and it would make Richie angry. Why were they allowed to have the love of their lives with them, when he couldn’t? Why did he have to see others happiness, when it was so out of reach for himself?  
It was selfish, and he knew this. He was happy that they were happy, of course. But bitter jealousness crawled forward like a parasite, gnawing at his mind, clawing at his skin.  
Mike had the entire world to explore, and he was looking forward to it, but Richie was holding him back, holding him all back. Really, he was nothing more than a burden, laying on his side in a bed for weeks, clutching onto Eddie’s jacket that, by this point, had lost his scent.   
A month had passed, when Richie decided to do something about it. He looked at the pills all neatly packed in Eddie’s toiletry bag, and he almost laughed a humourless laugh at himself. Eddie was always so.. Proper. So neat. He could barely read half of the labels, but that didn’t matter. None of it did, not when he would be happy soon.  
He was found on the floor, curled in on himself and cramping. It was Bill that found him, and called the ambulance, and it was the first time Richie had spoken since it happened. The first time he had managed to find his voice since the Quarry.   
‘’No! Let me die! Let me be with him!’’ He screamed. And it was the desperate cry of a broken man. ‘’I can’t go on like this! I want to die! I want to die!!’’   
Richie cried for the first time in a month, and it was with a violent sob, that seemed to ripple through his body. ‘’Please..’’ He whispered. Pleaded. ‘’I don’t want to go on..’’


	7. Chapter 7

The video started with the sound of a bottle against a glass, and someone sniffling. The camera shifted, and there he was, Richie Tozier, who had always managed to bring a smile to everyone’s lips. Who couldn’t even bring himself to smile anymore.

‘’Hey, Losers.’’ His words are slurred and raw. Like he’d spent the last few hours drinking and crying. His eyes were sunken in, and during the last few months since he left derry, Richie had lost far too much weight. He looked almost skeletal by this point.

He paused to take a drink from the Scotch in his hand, before he continued speaking.

‘’I’m sure by now, you already know what happened.. I didn’t want to risk any of you calling the ambulance on me. I’m looking at you, Bill, always has to be the hero.’’ He chuckled, but it was empty, and the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.

‘’You- You all must be pissed at me, and I get it. Fuck, I was angry with Stan when he took the cowardly way out, yet look at me! I’m doing the same shit! I’ve always been a hypocrite, huh?’’ Again, he smiled, but it was nothing more than a facade. One that was falling apart piece by piece.

‘’I- uh- Got fired by my job yesterday.. I show up on the stage either drunk or high. Usually a combination of the two. If I don’t, I can’t keep myself together.’’ A tear fell from Richie’s cheek, and it barely fazed him as it hit his hand. He only sniffled, and continued speaking.

‘’I know you may think I’m selfish, but.. I don’t have anything.’’ He downed the rest of his glass then and there, and visibly winced at the taste. But it didn’t stop him from pouring up even more.  
‘’I mean.. Bev, you have Ben.. Bill, you have your wife.. Mike, you- You have the entire world to see.. Don’t- don’t take this as jealousy. I’m happy that you finally got what you all wanted, I just—’’Richie paused, and pressed a hand over his mouth as he seemingly repressed a sob, and instead let out a quiet whimper. Another tear fell, the sound of it hitting the desk was almost deafening.  
Richie took a deep, shaky breath, and turned his red swollen eyes to the camera, and continued.

‘’The only thing I have, is an alcohol problem. A fucking awful one at that. I lost- I lost my best friend and the love of my life in a matter of a fucking week.’’ There was the laugh again, that only broke more hearts, than anything.

‘’Yeah, I loved Eddie, yeah, I’m gay. Get those surprised looks off of your face. I was in love with Eddie fucking Kaspbrak, and-- And I never got to tell him. Not even as he was dying.’’ Richie took a long drink.  
‘’I had to leave him down there in the sewers, with that fucking clown.. I never got the chance to give him a proper goodbye.. I don’t have a fucking grave to go to.’’ A deafening silence fell then, as Richie looked at something just out of view of the camera. He seemed to turn it a few times, and something let out a quiet ’click’.

‘’I can’t go on like this. I’ve.. Tried my best to move on, but everytime I close my eyes, I see him. I see that claw, I hear him begging, I just- I can’t do it anymore. I’m sorry..’’ Richie rubbed at his face with his free hand, before he reached towards the camera. ‘’I hope you’ll understand and forgive me, and I hope you all go on to have the lives you deserve.. I will. I’ll be with him, and I’ll finally be happy.’’ And Richie smiled again, and for the first time in a month, he looked happy. One could even call it excited. Though that melancholy emptiness behind his eyes, was hard to miss.

‘’Trashmouth out.’’


End file.
